Well, this has all been just a bit excruciating. I’ve been back at work full time for 4 months now. Can you hear the creaking? I can. The sound of my own rusty abilities is constantly screeching in my mind, trying to distract me from the task in hand. I’ve gotten *awfully* good at not doing this the last 3.5 years.
Classic Del Boy Syndrome
When I was waiting to be able to return the UK I could barely contain myself. I was desperate to get back and get stuck in. I couldn’t work. I’d had to give way to Duncan’s business, and I had also realised that the (extensive) work still needing doing to our house to get it ready for sale couldn’t be done by Duncan. Or me. Because I had a 4 month old baby. Oh, and a 2 year old toddler. Such a delightful stage that (said no parent ever). So I put an ad on Gumtree, and adopted a series of backpackers. They stayed in our spare room. I looked after them, I managed their time, and they also got some nice travel cash.
When I wasn’t enjoying my new career as amateur interpreter and project manager I’d be sitting roasting to death, exhausted, and stuck under a sleeping baby – but my head was exploding with ideas. Clearly I was going to immediately sit down and tap straight into the immense creative flow I’d enjoyed pre-baby.
FINALLY, My Day Arrived…
After walking over the several thousand miles of broken glass to get home (ask me about pulling off an international move in 20 days flat sometime. Tip: have a drink in your hand.), the day arrived.
I sat down at the computer and… Nothing. My mind emptied. Navel was extensively contemplated.
When I did try to do something I was confronted by endless obstacles generated by my own ignorance. Google analytics? Well, that was a tantrum and a half.
“JUST SHOW ME THE F**KING ORGANIC TRAFFIC!! Oh, there it is…The what? It’s… I’m sorry? You can’t see this stuff any more? &&*%$!!!!”
And so it went. Ad infinitum.
As for my written skills? I’m crap. I don’t know who the girl was that formerly shared her distilled wisdom upon these hallowed pages. But frankly, she was better than me. The fact I’ve written three (almost) full blog posts already and ended up boring MYSELF says it all. Subsequently I’ve discovered related posts on the draft and discovered this other know it all cow already said it. But cogently. I even laughed a couple of times.
So yes. I really do now know how it feels to be a newbie. I knew what I was supposed to be doing too. But sitting down to do it? Categorically unpleasant. Bewildering. And then…
Missing : My Confidence – Last seen shinning down a drainpipe after promising me the world then running out on me.
But of course. I’ve got something not many newbies have got. The memories of all the times I smugly called upon people trying to climb that seemingly impossible affiliate peak to persevere. So persevere I did. I’m probably not exaggerating when I say I sat with stage fright for a good month. Gradually it happened. I started with obvious things like direct to merchant PPC whilst I tried to get my head around the massive task of reorganising and redeveloping my current websites. Small wins in the form of miniscule new revenue streams (who knew a tenner could mean that much!) eroded my all new and much hated “Rabbit in Headlights” persona.
Not So Much Climbing A Mountain…
But I’ve kicked the shit out of a sizeable molehill, possibly even a tussock. Gradually, the seemingly incomprehensible began to take on meaningful form. Some of my confidence has slowly returned, and I can “see” the money I’m now going to pursue. And despite several outbreaks of “I Can’t Do This-itis” breaking out. I’m getting there.
I will not give up.
So sorry if this post isn’t up to scratch. There’s a job here I love. And I desperately want to write about it again. And the meandering point of this post is that I’m not sure how! I’m certainly not an expert any more. So how could I write all the “how to” and “affiliate mindset” guides of days gone by. There’s good stuff “in there” already. But I can’t get it out in a useful sense. My favourite abortive post so far was about how my maternity leave obsession with making a cup of coffee showed that the affiliate mindset found ways to escape when suppressed. Hmmmm.
I’ll just have to keep battering away at mundane until I hit gold again. 😉
P.S. Yes, the blog is old, struggling, and a bit out of date. A lot like me. I’ll fix both in due course, hahaha.