I know you all think that this post is going to be about Figleaves, but it’s not. Despite the fact they do seem to have appointed Hannibal Lecter – the affiliate programme serial killer to look after their CPA marketing endeavours, that’s not actually the scariest thing that has happened to me this week.
Yes, hard as it may be to believe something has in fact shaken me more than the wholesale destruction of one of my best performing revenue streams.
Well, I can tell y’all are on the edge of your seats here… so I shall proceed with my sorry tale.
I was sitting working away at my general affiliate endeavours the other day. Humming a happy little tune, and enjoying the view from my office window….
Now, although you can’t see it in this picture the office window overlooks my front door. This is dead sneaky as it enables me to surprise parcel delivery men before they have the chance to pop the “Sorry You Were Out” slip underneath my door. They really, really hate it 
As I was sat industriously working away… a movement caught my eye.
They say that humans have a built in survival instinct, and I reckon it’s true… because what I was seeing out of the corner of my eye was this gorgeous wee chappie (or chappess in this case) dangling at face height right outside our front door.
*Caution – Those Of A Nervous Disposition Should Faint Now* – It’ll save you a bit of time later.
“WOOOAARRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I remarked.
“Oh, for feck sake. Not this again.”
Said Duncan.
“LOOKIT”
I said.
“WOOOAARRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Said Duncan.
“See, I told you so.”
I quipped, playing the smug wife card for all it was worth.
For those readers not recognising this beauty, it is a Redback Spider and from the same family as the Black Widow. A wee bite from one of these beauties can see you rushing in a hospital-ward direction if they manage to envenomate you properly.
As card playing was working well for me, I then played the “Well, I’m not effing well dealing with it, that’s your department” card and left Duncan to venture out in a front doorward direction whilst I shouted instructions from behind the mesh screens that cover all of our house windows.
After we’d quickly looked up the “Redbacks and their Wily Ways” site we realised getting rid of them from a safe distance isn’t all that easy. Most insecticides will not work because the unsporting buggers can hold their breath for several hours. The only sure way to dispatch them is to knock them down, and then squish them.
And That’s Where The Horror Part Of The Story Lies…
In trying to knock it down, my Duncan discovered that Redbacks can move very, very quickly. In short, it vanished like a little bit of arachnid poop off a teeny, tiny spider sized stick.
So now we know we have a deadly spider living with us…. BUT WE DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS.
WOOOAARRGGGHHH!!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
stop scaring me with spider pictures!!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I can’t help it… they keep scaring me so I keep having to pass the fear along!!
December 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Don’t worry Kirsty, I’m sure that’s not th eonly one living with you…
December 16th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Christ that’s scary, I flippin’ hate spiders me.
Back to Glasgie with ye.
(PS get yourself a bigger screen, I did and was so glad).
December 16th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Didn’t we discuss the blogging about spiders at the Expo!
Did it definitely run inside? :s You’re really going to have to let us know when you catch it, that really is a nightmare!
December 16th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
ps all arachnophobics: don’t even think about reading that Wikipedia page. I’m scared, and I’m ten thousand miles away.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
See, that’s one of the very few upsides to living in the UK vs Oz; there are not many animals around that try to kill you.
Seems like you need one of these:
http://www.betterware.co.uk/productdetails.aspx?pid=034589&language=en-GB
December 16th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Hmm – not very nice at all. It beats the one that crawled out of our Christmas Tree hands down.
Wiki says the symptoms of being bitten include nausea, vomiting, abdominal or chest pain, generalised sweating, headache, fever, hypertension and tremor! All symptoms probably also being experienced by most Figleaves affiliates at the moment so you might not notice the difference.
I think you were right to make Duncan deal with it – it’s his duty to protect his new bride! If it were me I wouldn’t let him sleep until he found it though!
December 17th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Just remember Kirsty, they are more scared of you than you are of them. Or have we just disproved that theory? Either way, I better get on that plane from Dubai and head on over for that BBQ before it’s…erm…too late. But let’s meet at a neutral venue, eh? Cuts down on the dishes. No other reason. Honest.
I was going to get you one of these as a stocking filler as well – http://www.prezzybox.com/products/index.aspx?pid=4392. I’m thinking under the circumstances that’s not such a crash hot idea.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:45 am
@ Matt, You’re probably right. I’ll consider that screen when the cost of the wedding and house purchase vanish over the horizon a wee bit.
@ Chris – Ah come on now… you said I should put in a warning and I did! Just for you
@ Nick, that pole is NOWHERE near long enough for me. I’d have to fit it with an extension.
@ Karen – Oh, how true. You definately need valium to be a Figleaves affiliate these days.
@ Steven – I promise the Redback will be gone by the time you get back from Dubai (it’ll be dead of old age by then at this rate!!)
December 17th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Hi Kirsty,
Long time reader of your blog and always look forward to your posts. I was just about to start a Valentines site and was looking to add figleaves as my lingerie affiliate, but after everything that has happened i’m not sure now, if you were starting from scratch would you add them?
December 18th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Hey Milo, I think I’d be inclined to wait and see what they will do with their commission structure after Christmas. In the meantime I’d look at perhaps using La Senza (their seduction undies convert pretty well) and other lingerie merchants such as Be Cheeky (who have lots of exclusive lingerie ranges). Knickerbox, Ann Summers, and Love Honey could be good for the more naughty stuff as well.
Then if Figleaves still look like a decent bet at the end of January you could always try to give them a punt. Personally speaking, I will do nothing more to promote Figleaves. They do convert well mind you, but if they slash their commissions again (and I believe they will) that benefit will be eroded.
Good luck, please let me know how you get on with your site!
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:39 am
Hi Kirsty,
Looks harmless to me – it’s only small
This has proved essential for catching daddy long legs and it doesn’t even harm them or spiders and other creepy crawlies:
http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/spider-catcher/index.html
Apparently humans eat loads of spiders and other creepy crawlies when they crawl into our mouth’s while we’re asleep… oh you’re definitely going to need a mossie net fitted over your bed now! Soooorrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy xJoe
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:15 am
My partner is australian and we currently live in the UK, one of the things that puts me off is the spiders, how can one country have so many deadly creatures.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Wow – we don’t get spiders like that over here in the UK! That is amazing.
Currently considering moving to the land down under, it has always been my parents dream but never gone through with it. I have taken over that dream and intend to live it out!
Is that just a normal day to day spider? I mean is that normally the ones you would see on a day to day basis.
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
[...] In his favour I must say that unlike recent visitors he’s not poisonous nor will he try to perpetrate any bites upon me. [...]