I held out as long as I could, I always do as I’m always resistant to trying the “latest thing” till I’m sure it really is that, and not a flash in the pan I’ve ended up wasting my time with.  However it does seem Twitter is huge and now entrenched in the online scene, so I’ve been and created myself an account.

“Jilly Come Lately” strikes again!

Want To Follow Me?

You can do so here: -

http://twitter.com/AffiliateStuff

An Affiliate-Focused Twitter Account!

I’ve decided to keep the affiliate stuff account as affiliate focused as possible.  I’m going to try and populate it with little nuggets about things that I’m doing, how I’m thinking about them, and interesting affiliate facts I’ve found on my internet travels.

The blog doesn’t always lend itself to that kind of thing, so I’m hoping it’ll actually provide another half decent glimpse into the mindset and day to day workings of a full time affiliate.

Tweets Coming To A Sidebar Near You!

I think it’ll add some value to my blog and to the readers popping by, so I have decided to add my tweets to the blog sidebar.  Sorry if it looks a bit basic at the moment I’m a bit short on time today… promise it’ll look more polished over the next few days!

Course, there’ll be the odd personal thing on there, but I’ll probably create another account should I get an overwhelming urge to “tweet” every time I visit the lavvy or its time to cook tea… etc etc etc.

All That Remains To Be Seen…

Is how much time I spend Twittering instead of working!!

Greetings esteemed blog readers, and welcome to another thrilling installment in the K.McCubbin stream of consciousness series.  As you may have already gathered I’ve been thinking a lot about the way I work recently  As this occupies a lot of brain time I figure blogging about it will mean y’all don’t form the mistaken opinion I don’t love you any more as I don’t seem to be able to lucidly think about much else!

How Does Effort Convert To Cash In Affiliate Land?

Todays epistle has been brought to you courtesy of a new friend of mine, Kathrin, who has been asking  questions about my difficult to understand career!  She basically asked me why I didn’t work 5 days a week instead of 4 and thus make 20% more money.  I explained to her that with the world of affiliate marketing, that 20% more effort didn’t necessarily equate to 20% more money.  When I reflected on this, I realised I’d touched on a powerful and simple truth I needed to vocalise on here.

Thinking Smartly and Efficiently Is More Important Than Blindly Pushing “Onwards and Upwards”

And I reckon that’s where our old mate Del Boy went wrong with his “Onwards and upwards Rodney” frame of mind.  The “scale and replicate” principle has been a particular preoccupation of mine when considering the expansion of my very own minature empire and I have talked about it often.

“Scale And Replicate” Is Just So Last Week.  Lets Try “Maximum Revenue With Minimum Effort” On For Size!

However, I now realise its also important to also bring a considerable amount of smart thinking to this process.  Some of the affiliates I’ve met don’t always work all that hard.  In fact, many of them barely seem to lift a finger!  Why?  How?  They’re just lucky smartassed sods, reaping it in while we do the hard yards right?

Urr, nope.  They’re not lucky, and they could well be sods but they most definately are smart. When they can be assed Why?  Because they have perfected the fine art of smart thinking.  They are able to find lots of things that will create the maximum amount of revenue with the minimum effort.

I don’t do that dreadfully at this kind of thing myself, but I wouldn’t say I’ve the midas touch you’ll see from the likes of Jamie Harwood or Mr Affiliate bling himself, Kieron Donoghue, either.  I often suffer from not seeing the affiliate revenue wood for looking at the trees and thinking how much work it’ll be to cut them all down myself and then painstakingly craft them into revenue bearing masterpieces.  However, now I consider it, some of my biggest earners are things that took very little to put together. With an affiliate chainsaw and mass production sawmill. (if you will indulge my increasingly flamboyant use of analogies!)

For example, I have a single landing page I send painfully generic traffic to via Yahoo and MSN search.  It took 3 hours all up to build the page and compile a keyword list.  It makes me £15,000 a year, I never have to do a thing to the page, and I don’t even really know what gave me the idea to try it. Suddenly it was out there, and it was obvious despite my having struggled with generating consistent cash in that niche for almost two years.

The Moral Of The Story?

I’m not sure if there is one.  I can’t tell anyone how this happens.  Nor how they can acquire such a skill. For me personally it is a fleeting bit of magic I’m privelliged to experience every now and again.  I wish I could come up with one of those beauties every day I can tell you, cos I’d be sitting writing this on my own private island if I could!

Could I Come Up With A Midas-esque Idea Every Day?

Well, perhaps not every day.  But I have a feeling that the trick is to take a step back every now and again and simply stand on a mental hill observing the undulating nature of your revenue streams from afar.  By doing that you may well see the goldmine nestled in that half hidden valley beside something you already think you’re 100% on top of.  Recently my new intensive work system has given me the chance to take that step back in the form of my extra day a week off.  Since then, I’ve found that there are a lot of things I can multiply significantly with just a few hours work. I don’t know how I couldn’t see it before.

The Best and Most Lucid Advice I Can Give Is…

Work out grab yourself a vantage point to observe the fruits of your labours!  You’ll have to come up with your own way to allow those great ideas to reveal themselves to you.

And The Obvious Disclaimer That Has To Be Made?

The above may make it look like there’s an affiliate holy grail out there that allows you to work little and earn lots.  The truth is 99% of affiliates that make decent money work very hard at it. Nay, supernaturally hard. Do not read the above and delude yourself that this job does not require a lot of dedication, I merely wish to make the point that you can often make your hard work more productive… by being able to think clearly about where the work is directed.

I think this post is probably saying something that many people will find fairly obvious.  However, like many simple things to do it often gets overlooked during the quest to move ever onwards and upwards, and finding new revenue streams or pushing to get a little more out of an already tapped gem.

But Is There Something Easy Right Under Your Nose You’re Missing?

In these uncertain times it can be all too easy to miss the fact you should always be considering if you’re making best use of your traffic.  Yep, OK it might well be doing “fine” or even “great” but could it be doing better?

I spent a little bit of time on one of my sites today and realised that the main merchant I am using no longer performs as well in terms of EPCs.  So I took a look at all the merchants I use on the site and evaluated how many affiliate pennies per click they were earning me.

I was quite surprised to discover that: -

• I’m sending about 2,000 clicks per month to a merchant who is earning me 2p a click.  A quick squizz round and I discovered that there was another merchant with comparable products and prices earning me 8p per click on some similar traffic.
• There were loads of ways I could channel traffic usually destined for a merchant earning me a 7p per click to two merchants who often earn me as much as 28p.
• Once I’d got started, I then realised there was a whole traffic seam I’d previously not bothered to tap due to lacklustre performance that could also be sent to a merchant who currently has a cracking EPC and I suddenly realise will convert the traffic incredibly well.

Sorry I can’t give examples, I’d be mad if I did… but the point I’m trying to make is that quite often you have to take a step back and look before you can take a step forward!

Most of the above revelations came to me when I was on holiday in Sydney.  I think I’d been so focused on moving forward all the time with new content and my new high energy work system I couldn’t see the affiliate cash for the merchant trees (love that analogy I’m getting it framed!).

Greetings affiliate organisation fans.  I got a surprising amount of feedback to my previous post about my stress levels and lack of structure, and have had some mails asking me how its been going… so I thought it was only fair to give an honest update on how the system has been working out for me!  It was all very well saying how fab it was after just 2 or 3 days in my post… but has it been sustainable in the longer term?

Well Actually…

So far it is going GREAT!  I have never been this productive and I can get more done in a day than I ever thought possible.  I’m getting what I have defined as a week’s worth of affiliate work done in just 4 days.  Even better, I have also imposed my new scheme on my Duncan and he too has never been so productive.

I have always had dreadful concentration and get bored incredibly easily, and in every area of my life requiring organisation I have always struggled with my natural tendency to get distracted and ending up “veering off course” into totally irrelevant nonsense.

By breaking my working day into hour long blocks and defining what should be done in that hour I never get bored and I pull my head back in when the distraction fairy jingles her mystic bells in my direction.  The end result has surprised even me… I’ve seen a significant increase in what I can get done in an hour.

For Example…

I used to take 2 hours or more to write 6 x 250 word articles.  With my new system I can now write 8 in the same amount of time.

I do hasten to add though, that I’ve not yet found that to be sustainable if I block off two consecutive hours of writing… I get bored and miss my target.

The End Result Is…

I am geniuinely doing a weeks work in 4 days (in fact more than I used to achieve in most weeks).  Duncan and I both are as we both suffer from the same easily distracted personality (don’t talk to either of us when we are driving!!!).  Also, with the unpredictable nature of merchant performance in these troubled times I’m ummm…. no longer troubled by it.  I have my work, I have a plan and slowly but surely I am identifying and acting on new revenue streams and spreading my affiliate eggs into many merchant baskets.

When I am not working, I do not worry about work.  I have started to enjoy many new things recently.  I have bought a fish tank, I am spending a lot of time gardening.  I am proud to announce I re-sowed our back lawn yesterday and pruned several trees (they may even live).

So I will bid all my affiliate friends a zen-like “fare thee well”, for I am off to drink some nice wine perchance read a book.

Affiliate Contentment.

No, I haven’t gone mad and deluded myself into thinking I can save money on wages by working less!

What with all this credit crunch lark and a merchant or three starting to perform in a dashed rubbish fashion, I’ve been feeling really stressed about the different revenue streams I have on the go.  Before you all pass the hat round to help me out with next month’s mortgage there’s a couple of facts you should know about me:-

• I get stressed at the slightest deviation in “normal” merchant performance and instantly get myself whipped up into a doom-mongering frenzy.
• My idea of a “rubbish and depressing” sales month is still somewhere in the region of 4 times what I used to get paid in my day job.  This is a dreadful character defect and one of the reasons I’ve just implimented the above strategy.  There really, really is more to life than money and I need to start realising that before I end up “unwell”!

So What Exactly Are You Doing Kirsts?

Well, when I get worried about what direction to take and a dip in performance I have a dreadful habit of:-

• Sitting worrying about it and not getting much done.
• Setting myself stupidly high work targets, failing to meet them, getting depressed and demotivated, and then getting a lot less done than I would have done if I’d just footered along as normal.

So this time when I started to get concerned I wanted to stop that pattern of behaviour in its tracks.  It’s not uncommon for me to spend 4 to 6 weeks in a stressed out mess, working 14 hours a day, and getting very little more done than usual.

So anyhoo… here’s my plan!

Using the workplan I talked about previously I decided to ramp things up a few notches and make better use of my working hours.  Each night I’ve been sitting down and planning out EXACTLY what Duncan and I will do the following day and when.  So no Facebook, no A4U, no nipping off online shopping or and of the other distractions I so often fall victim to.  In doing this, I’ll actually meet my work targets for a 5 day week but:-

• Work between 8.30 & 4pm with an hour off for lunch (which I have NEVER done before).
• Only work Monday to Thursday.

And Did It Work?

I have to say its been a massive success so far.  I’ve never stuck to a work plan so rigidly because I don’t need to sit and think about what I’m doing during the day.  Its amazing how much time you waste thinking of what to do next!  Not only am I having a lunch hour but I’ve been able to get out and do some gardening every evening and usually spend some time on my housework during the lunch hour.  This all maximises my weekend leisure time.

I think all this will make me more productive in the longer term and help me to push things in the most efficient direction in 2009, making my business stronger than ever.

I don’t feel stressed any more, I feel good and in control.  I guess I’m lucky my recession solution was so simple, it’d have been a bit of a different story if I was Gordon Brown!

You Didn’t think I was just going to leave you hanging with a post about why you’ll fail?  Nah, now that I’ve knocked you down I’m gonna build you up!

First off, we need to get you feeling inspired.  Before you do anything else, listen to the following songs.  When you’ve done that, go to itunes, download them and play every time you go near a computer – to remind you of what you’re supposed to be doing there!  These are all songs I personally listen to when I’m getting motivation deficient.  So I thought I’d share.

So Here It Is – Kirsty’s Inspirational Music List

*I’ve provided YouTube links after each title I could find videos for so you may revel in their wonderfulness whilst reading this post!

• What A Beautiful Day – The Levellers – listen
• The Middle – Jimmy Eat World – listen
• Minority – Green Day – listen
• Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen – listen
• Creep – Radiohead (but get the rude version if you can!) – listen
• Crazy – Gnarls Barkley – listen
• Money, Money, Money – Abba – listen
• Born Slippy – Underworld – listen
• Choose Life – PF Project – listen
• Slave to the Wage – Placebo – listen
• Think About The Way – Ice MC – listen
• Barbers Adgio for Strings – William Orbit – listen
• Hands Up – Black Eyed Peas – listen
• All The Small Things – Blink 182 – listen
• Dragostea Din Tea – O-Zone – listen (also watch the Gary Brolsma vid. hilarious!)
• Maroon – Ken Nordine – listen (and if this doesn’t show you the connection between AM and a love of manipulating words, nothing will!)

OK, now that we’ve got you all nice and fired up for some affiliate action we have to make sure you can sustain your “work vibe”.

Kirsty’s Motivation Downloads

Yep, that’s right.  I’ve prepared some motivational materials. Use them wisely!

First off, open and print This Image. Put it in the wall in a place near your computer, where you can glance at it easily.  It’ll remind you what you’re aiming for and keep you philosophical when things go slightly awry.

Secondly, print off this simple Task Planner. This should also go on the wall, front and centre.  If you simply can’t get started or keep up the pressure, use this to designate what you should be doing every week.  Don’t start off with a massive workload, it won’t be sustainable.  Just designate yourself one quick task every day for the first while and get used to regularly meeting your self-imposed targets.  Some examples of quick tasks you could do in a few minutes are:  -

• Write a 200 word article or blog post
• Modify 20 page titles to improve SEO
• Find 5 potential link exchanges
• Put links for merchant Y up on home page
• Configure new SEO WordPress Plugin

When you complete your daily tasks, reward yourself with a tick.  Or a coloured sticker.  Whatever you fancy.  You’d be surprised how good this can feel!

Make sure you do one thing each and every day to move towards your affiliate goal.  If you can’t even do a ten minute task and get it live online – you’re wasting your time.  You’ll never succeed.

Use What You Learn From This To Plan A Longer Term Strategy and Set Some Realistic Goals

Using a mini-task approach you will soon work out how long certain tasks take you.  Use this information to work out how you can progress with your affiliate business on a quarterly basis.  The best way to do this is to set yourself a sustainable amount of time per day / week you will spend on affiliate marketing and work out what comprises a successful “Day’s Work”.  Make sure this is well within your boredom limits or you won’t be able to keep going!

Here’s an example from my own current work schedule.  I’ve designated what constitutes a reasonable day of work for me this quarter and how long it will take: -

• Stats, existing PPC management, and ideas / research – 1.5 hours.
• New PPC campaigns – 2 hours.
• Creation of 6 x 250 word articles and 6 x 150 word articles for site X – 4 hours.

Using this method I have worked out I can re-vamp my main site, adding lots of new merchants, and fresh content by the first week in March, have another site I have half completed all finished by mid-march, and a completely new Mens fashion site completed at the same time.  By mid March I’ll have no less than 600 new pages on the internet making me money via PPC and SEO.  Not bad eh?  And to think a lot of you will spend that ten weeks kidding yourself on you’re working.  Oh, the other thing this method does is tell me that it is OK to stop working!

Affiliate success is as simple as getting yourself organised, setting a schedule, and sticking to it.  Of course, you’ll need to be doing the right thing to make money.  But above all, do SOMETHING… for the love of god!!

Anyone else like to share their organisational tips?

Unlucky for some!!  Was finally getting your affiliate business off the ground / in order one of your new years resolutions?  I bet there’s loads of people out there who stood up on new years day and said,

“RIGHT!  2009 is my year, this is it.  I’m gonna get out there and rule the affiliate world!!”

But I know that 90% of people who made that promise will fail.  I’m in contact with a lot of different people at various stages of the revenue generation process, and I thought y’all might benefit my insight into why a lot of them don’t progress.

So here it is… the definitive guide to stuffing up your chances of a flexible lifestyle.  Follow it at your own peril!!

1. You spend all your time reading about too-good-to-be true affiliate success stories and fantasising about what you’ll do with your millions, and don’t start any of your own projects.
2. You stuff around on Facebook, WOW, A4uForum, Bebo, and pretend you’re working.  You’re not!
3. You don’t really want to put any work in, and keep on looking for get rich quick schemes.  They don’t exist. They don’t work, and you keep on getting sucked in by promises of riches beyond the wildest dreams of avarice.
4. You come up with good ideas and can’t seem to do anything about them.
5. You keep on registering domains and researching niches but when it comes to the hard yards you can’t be assed.
6. The first thing you try doesn’t work, so you give up.  You idiot!
7. You have a small success. You rest on your laurels rather than keeping pushing on.  Much to your surprise your business doesn’t quadruple whilst you sit doing nothing.
8. You can’t quite work out which of your ideas to pursue… so you do nothing.
9. Google / Search engine of your choice changes something to do with quality score rules and you form the opinion that its Google in the wrong and not your site, so you do nothing about it.  Much to your surprise, your revenue dries up completely. You take the huff and give up.  (nb, nothing isn’t always the wrong thing to do where Google is concerned…. but youse know what I mean!!)
10. Similar to 9, you have been making some money but your merchant or network changes the rules and you don’t know how to create other revenue streams because you’ve not been staying ahead of the game and diversifying into different areas. You take the huff and give up.  Those rotten buggers were mean to you.
11. Checking stats is NOT working!
12. You want someone to tell you exactly how to make money.  And nobody will despite repeated forum posts and e-mails to prominent affiliates requesting all their money making secrets.  How Rude!!
13. As a total newbie you decide to domainate the world of  bingo / gambling.  Despite the huge commissions on offer you discover that 25% recurring commisson on nothing is, in fact, nothing.

Well, I could go on and on… but I think y’all get the idea.  I plan to try and write some more positive posts soon about how you can avoid these various common malaises.  If you have any ideas for these posts do please Drop Me a Line.

Hello Affiliate pop pickers, and a very happy new year to the lot of you!  I hope you had a great time hanging out with your nearest and dearest.  I’m still holidaying in New Zealand, hence my lack of posts over the festive season.

It’s at this time of year that we see a lot of posts either talking about how an affiliate business has gone during the previous year, or about  industry predictions for the year to come.  I’ve decided I’m not too interested in exploring any of that on this blog.  I feel that in these uncertain economic times what I am going to do myself in the coming year is more important that what others will be up to, and that what I plan to do in 2009 will define my success FAR more than what I did in 2008!

So to help me keep my affiliate gravy train on track during the economic doom and gloom, I’ve come up with some New Years resolutions to shape my approach to work during the next 12 months.  In January 2010 I’ll see if I’ve stuck to them!

My Resolutions

• I will focus my marketing activities with networks who have taken the time to know who I am. This isn’t about ego stroking, its about security.  I also know these self same networks are far more likely to make sure I get paid if things go tits up, and to help me if I need some direction with promotions during difficult market conditions.  In case anyone is interested, Webgains, Paid on Results, Affiliate Future, and Linkshare are top of my “To Do” list.  Agencies who I currently think highly of are RO EYE and Existem.
• I will use my time more effectively by defining quarterly progress targets based on a conservative estimate of what I can get done in a day, and planning my activities several weeks in advance.  This might also stop me from overworking and neglecting my husband.  With that in mind…
• I will get better at not working on my days off.  This will probably make me more productive on my scheduled work days as I do have a distressing tendency to bore myself with the internet if I’m involved with it too many days running.
• I will focus my activities in areas I know I can make money – I will do this by testing, testing, testing, and then testing some more before I put in shed loads of work.  Sometimes I’ve been caught out by the assumption that something I’ve tested in one way will work in another. i.e. Direct to merchant success does not immediately mean an affiliate landing page arrangement will work so well.
• I will get better at asking for enhanced commission rates – A Scottish work ethic can sometimes do you a disservice.  I have had a tendency to not ask about enhanced commissions for volume in the past, thinking I need to work hard first thus shooting myself in the financial foot.  Merchants tend not to want to pay extra for volume they’re already getting.
• I will outsource some activities rather than trying to do everything myself – Sometimes you just gotta let go.  With that in mind, I’ve just signed up to the ContentNow link building service.  I’ll be letting you all know exactly how it pans out in due course (no pressure Kieron and Simon!!).
• I will take my own advice and start some mini sites about new areas that interest me so I can get a feel for new markets and opportunities.  With that in mind, I’ve already started a new blog site all about solar panel products.  Apart from researching this new market, I find the subject matter very interesting so it’ll help me stay fresh and enthusiastic about affiliate marketing.
• I will venture into new countries to make me less vunerable to changes in the exchange rate. This is causing me some issues right now as Sterling is up and down like a mad thing. At the moment my income is worth 20% less than it has been because of the weakness of the Pound agains the Aussie dollar. With that in mind, I’ve already managed to create the beginnings of a very healthy revenue stream in Australian dollars (with a merchant I remembered to negotiate an enhanced commission structure with!).
• I’ll try and encourage Duncan to feel the same passion I do for affiliate marketing by getting him involved in some sites that interest him personally.  At the moment he has a good understanding of the process, but I think the love of the job is eluding him because he’s a step removed from the sharp end of the gig.  Apart from anything else, its ridiculous that he’s not using his knowledge and passion for diving (or any of the many diving related domains I’ve bought him!).

I think that’s probably enough in the way of new years resolutions to keep me going for a little while.  I feel very positive about this coming year and think I can ride out the recession with a bit of hard work and organisation (not pissing off on holiday for 3 months at a time will also help!).

Whilst We’re On The Subject, Here is a Small List Of Personal Resolutions.  I Will…

• Finally learn to cook something beyond my one-pot specials from my student days.
• Introduce myself to all of my new neighbours.  Then invite them over for a drink!
• Employ a gardener so Duncan doesn’t spend every weekend mowing and weeding.
• Get better at sending birthday cards to my friends children.
• Offset the carbon from all the flying I do
• Compost things rather than sending them to the landfill.
• Plant a vegetable garden.
• Not shoot the local Bush Turkeys when they dig the above up.
• Be less afraid of spiders.
• Get better at saying “NO” to people.  Even if it upsets them a bit. (If you see me in 2009 and you think I’m smiling too much, ask me the reason for this one. I can guarantee you’ll soon be telling me to “turn that frown upside down” or, in extreme cases, passing me a box of tissues.)
• Buy myself a new car.  It won’t be a BMW or a Porsche so don’t expect a “look at my new bling” post.  I don’t drive enough to justify a “super affiliate car”!
• Take some time out every week to do a bit of art and craft.
• Count to ten more often
• Eventually get around to changing my name to “Mrs McKenzie” on bank accounts and similar.
• Pay off 20% of my mortgage.

Here’s to a happy and healthy 2009 for all of my friends, family, and of course all you fabulous blog readers (some of whom are also in the first two categories!).

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the land
Not an affiliate was stirring, not even their mouse.
The campaigns were finished, managed with care,
In hopes Affiliate Santa would put money there.

Merchants and Networks were all snug in their beds
While visions of Valentines danced in their heads.
And Affiliates in Jim Jams with giant nightcap
Had just settled their brains for a promotional nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Sleepy affiliates rose to see what was the matter.
Off to their PC’s they flew in a flash.
Tore open windows, threw up Firefox.

The Boxing Day Sales lay glistening like new fallen snow
Reminding affiliates back to work they must go.
The discounts to their wondering eyes did appear
Delivered by minature sleigh and eight reindeer.

And who was the driver, so lively and quick?
They knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
Affiliate Santa, he was back again
After such a short break, they all screamed in pain!

“No Way!” they yelled, with voices loud and clear
“We’ve just slogged our guts out for most of the year!”
Dash away affiliate santa, there’ll be no work today
For Christmas is the day we all rest and play.

And then in a twinkling they heard on the roof
Affiliate Santa taking to the hoof.
They drew in their heads, shut Windows down
Settled in for a break in their dressing gowns.

As Santa sprang to his sleigh, to affiliates he gave a whistle
And off he flew leaving us about workload to grizzle
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

I hope you all have a wonderful break, and indulge in some well deserved festive cheer for at least a day or two!!!!

Kirsty xxxxx

As always in affiliate marketing, its amazing how much difference a month can make.  Just a hop, skip, and jump of the calendar ago Duncan and I were just back from honeymoon and I was starting to worry that Christmas trade might never arrive. I was longing for all those UK shoppers to lose their sense of reason and melt those credit cards like always.

Realising I had a lot to do if I was going to fully capitalise on the Christmas affiliate joy  when / if it arrived in these credit crunchy, gloomy times I promptly started working furiously.  And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.   I’ve been pulling 12 to 14 hour days since we got home.

I’m pleased to report that I clearly knew what I should do (which I doubted at times after 3 months off) because I’m having my best December ever.

“Woo  hoo!!!!!!”

Should be how I’m feeling, but like Joe Connor (who can’t “Barsed” with Christmas) and Lee McCoy (who’d really like to get some sleep) my satisfaction at another good year is tempered with a state of total knackerhood.  My own personal condition is also compounded with a distinctive lack of any festive spirit of my own whatsoever.

I have to say this is the first time I’ve ever felt like this.  In previous years, the endorphin rush of all that fabulous money arriving in my affiliate account has had me rocking around the office like a manic Noddy Holder shouting out “iiiitttsss Chhrriiiiissstttmmaaaaaaaasss!!” at random.

However, this year I imagine I’m joining a few other affiliates in wandering around uttering the odd “Bah Humbug!!”. Perhaps its been the stresses and strains of the uncertain sales climate.

I was at our local mall earlier today and Duncan tells me it was hell going to the festive shops with old Scrooge McCubbin here who was in a right old foul mood as soon as she caught sight of all the Christmas shoppers and tinsel.

I have no alternative but to diagnose myself with the dreaded “Affiliate Scrooge Syndrome” which is a little known psychologial disorder which eminates from over-preoccupation with other people’s Christmas shopping.

The Symptoms

• Total lack of desire to do any kind of Christmas shopping.  Duncan doesn’t know, but he’s getting a gift token for the petrol station this year.
• I’ve sent no Christmas cards whatsoever.  And I’m not gonna.  So there!
• I’ve started grinding my teeth in time to Christmas music.
• There’s a venomous spider in our Christmas tree and I’ve decided to leave it there because it is pleasingly ironic.

The Treatment

• I’ve been wondering if my lack of festive spirit is related to being in a tropical climate when I should be huddled indoors enjoying 3 hours of proper daylight every day.  So….
• Tonight I’m shutting all the doors and windows and setting my aircon to “Polar Winter”.
• I’m then going to build a cheery log fire.  Marshmallows will be roasted and flanelette jim jams will be worn.
• A double dose of Terry Pratchetts Hogfather Movie will be applied at top volume – Stat!
• I will operate the animatronic rudolph plushy toy my friends 3 year old gave me for Christmas and revel in its rendition of “Winter Wonderland”.  I will further marvel at the beautiful flashing lights atop each one of his cute little horns.

Merry Christmas to affiliates one and all! See, I’m trying