Kirsty’s Bullshit Translator – Your Guide to Make Money Online Promises

One reason I originally started this blog was as an antidote to snake oil salesmen. Affiliate Marketing looks easy from the outside, so people want in. I hate that rubbish products are sold off the back of that desire, and that people who can least afford it end up lining someone else’s pockets.

Despite my long winded efforts droning on about hard work and persistence, these people (and I use the term loosely) are still here and making bank. As a public service I’ve created a translation of the sorts of claims made versus what they really mean.

Visit OurSpammySite.com and make enough money to quit your job next month! Free System!

We will send you a (useless) video on how to make money.  By the time we tell you the way to make the REAL money even QUICKER you’ll be too excited not to give us your credit card details.  Subsquently you may discover that the initial $849.95 wasn’t for the entire system and that you will need to give us $200 per month so that we may drive 85,000,000 visitors to your site.  Per second. When those visitors don’t turn up, this will be your fault.  But don’t worry!  We can fix that RIGHT up for just another $500!

Our simple system will create you a website with no knowledge of coding required.  Cowboy Dave’s CASH GENERATOR is a simple little method that has made many of his happy customers thousands of pounds!

For a simple one off payment you too can own a website about a product you know nothing about which is exactly the same as the other 24,000 we’ve sold to the gullable here at Cowboy Dave Inc.  Once you get your site you’ll have no clue what to do with it, nor will you posess any of the marketing skills required to make a single bean.  However, worry ye not.  We’ll have your money by then and will be only too happy to draw your attention to the “No Refunds will be issued and all claims are for illustrative purposes only” clause in our terms and conditions.  We will think its great we totally blew smoke up your ass and took your money – and you can’t do a damned thing about it!

Make £35,000 a month with my completely automated online system. Absolutely no work involved, no website, no building lists, no advertising spend.

Seriously, I can’t believe people fall for my crap.  Myself and my good friend Cowboy Dave spend all our time competing to see who can make the most outrageous claim – and you guys still sign up.  To make things even more hilarious, I’m going to hook you into a monthy subscription and bombard you with advertising filled with increasinly ridiculous claims – and the odd request for cash to keep my Porsche 911 in petrol – those cars don’t run themselves you know (I’ve got 5,000 mug punters doing that for me).

Glossary of Punctuation and Accentuation

• !!!! – We said absolutely nothing worth listening to in that sentence, and there was absolutely no information about what it is we’re trying to sell, but we’ve put these exclaimation marks in to show you just how dashed exciting our mystery product is.
• Guaranteed – It’s guaranteed we’ll make money. You didn’t think we were taking about you did you?!  *guffaw*
• UNDERLINED and IN RED and UNDERLINED IN RED -We don’t want you to read the words in between these because you might work out our product is about as substantial as a puff of air.  Hopefully you’ll be that desperate you’ll only see words such as MILLIONAIRE and also EFFORTLESS SYSTEM that is FREE TO RUN except for our $200 a month admin charge, and your first born son’s lifetime earnings but this bit is not in red or underlined so its invisible.  Sneaky eh?
• $$$$ – Ours, not yours.

Repeat After Me

“…woah there! OK Kirsty, we can see this means a lot to you. We promise not to give these guys our money. Ever. Red lines are a red line and all that. Now go have a lie down in a darkened room will ya?! Jeez.”